I am in a rut.
There I said it. The worst part of it for me: constantly feeling like I’m alone. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m not really alone. I’ve got friends and parents and the Lord above with me. I know this. I appreciate this, or I try very hard to be grateful for the people in my life. Yet…yet I feel like there is just this void in my life.
I know I’ve done the posts about having a boyfriend already, so I’m not going to go back to that.
But I do have a question: is it normal for me to feel this lonely? all the time? Let me amend that. I don’t feel lonely all the time, it just comes and hits me—randomly. Anything seems to set it off. Like tonight. I just saw Pixar’s Brave. It was in one word: breath-taking. I absolutely loved it! I cried in it! The list of movies that have brought tears to my eyes is a short one. Brave now is added to that list. But leaving the theatre, I just became fully aware of how alone I felt. I wanted someone to sit next to me in the movie.
Now, when it comes right down to it, I can do anything by myself. If I need to go shopping and no one is free, I can go by myself. Craving frozen yogurt? I can grab some solo. I don’t mind doing things myself if it means that it gets done. But these recurring waves of loneliness have me worried. I wouldn’t say I was a hypochondriac, but I wonder if these waves of loneliness are a sign of depression. Maybe I’m over-thinking things.
I am a fan of personal exploration. Although it can lead to painful new insights, I feel that it is better to know thyself. I thought that feeling lonely could be cured if I just knew myself better. So I’ve spent the past six months doing just that. So far there has been a surprising amount of tears. I’ve touched aches and pains inside me that I didn’t know I had. Now, one more to add to the list.
I think the root of my loneliness is stemming from the urgent desire to feel needed. I want someone to want me. To want to be with me. To want to make me happy. I think now, for years, this desire to be needed has be displaced onto flailing organisations. Leading organisations, either as president or an officer, gave me a sense of purpose. I was needed. I was making valuable contributions to the organisation for the greater good. I began to relate this to wanting to leave a legacy at Baylor. After last night though, I realise that its not just legacy. Its a desire to be wanted and needed, along with the sad realisation that since I’m still lonely, clearly no one needs me. And that hurts.
It happened when I got home from work at 11pm. My roommate just bought an adorable border collie mix. Anyway, our apartment doesn’t have a pet deposit, so her dog isn’t able to stay with us. Last night she was trying to move him out. Now he comes with a lot of baggage. I kept offering to help, but she just said she didn’t need it because she felt like she had to do everything for her dog. I understand how she feels, but I wanted to help. Why couldn’t she accept my help? Now, after stepping down as ISSA president, thanks to God’s hand, I have no organisation to contribute to. This summer has shown me too that my friends don’t really need me either. My parents need me all right—need me to do the chores around the house. Thus, I am left feeling unwanted.
All this soul searching as lead me to two conclusions and the cure: the deep, heart-wrenching pull towards Great Britain is not going away, and I want a dog. Maybe this unexplainable desire to go to Great Britain is because I feel like I’ll find someone who needs me there. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping for. And in the mean time, a dog would help to fill the void.